My niqaab experience

A year ago, I told a sister that wearing niqaab is not for me. Why cover my face when it is not fard? There is no need to, I said. I don’t wish to be extreme in my religion when Islam is easy. Can they even breathe in the niqaab? I doubt it. Can they even see where they are going? I don’t want to bet on it.

A year later, I am thinking otherwise. When I started reading up about the niqaab, I began to understand the wisdom behind it. My perception about the niqaab started to change and also, I began meeting other niqaabi sisters online who would talk about it passionately. I learned a lot about the niqaab from sisters who wear it on a daily basis rather than the media which would paint a negative image of it being oppressive to others.

Two days before Eid, I decided veil my face for the first time when I went to the musolla for iftaar. The whole day when I was in school, the only thing on my mind was how I would look in a niqaab . The thought of wearing niqaab along with the many niqaab pictures that I had it displayed almost everywhere i.e. facebook, msn, handphone, started to overwhelm me. I said to myself, that’s it. I am going to wear it today.

I took the longest black shawl that I had and tried to fashion it into a niqaab. The many failed attempts before were either too tight that it obstructed my breathing or it was so loose that it kept falling off. This time, everything fitted perfectly. I stared at the mirror for a split second and without second thoughts I walked out of the house.

A few months ago when I was trying to get comfortable with wearing abaya when I am out, it would take at least 15 minutes to decide if I should walk out of the house in those ‘sack-like clothes’. We all know how shaitan loves whispering into our ears the minute we decide to do a good deed and we would end up thinking twice on doing it.

I walked out, heads high at first and all prepared to face any criticisms or insults that I was expecting to come my way. I walked across the carpark towards the residential college and the moment I saw students wandering around, I felt my hand creeping up the brooch that held the niqaab together. My heart was pumping rapidly, hands clammy despite the cool breeze.

I gave in. The brooch came off and the niqaab came apart. I guess I wasn’t as strong as I had been when I first left the house. Feeling dejected that I gave into my fears, I walked quickly to the musolla with my face uncovered.

After a few steps, I heard a voice in my head: You are afraid of Allah’s creations. Put your trust in Him.

I worry about people’s opinions when in truth; their opinions don’t and shouldn’t matter much. Only Allah matters and if I am doing it for His sake, then pleasing Him would reap rewards but pleasing people reaps no benefits.

With that, I grabbed the end of the shawl, wrapped it again and pinned it nicely to the side. In the country that I am in at the moment, wearing hijaab can be relatively difficult especially in certain areas where people are quite racist. I had my share of these inane bunch of people who would throw insults about my hijaab and then run off like cowards. So what difference would it make then if I cover myself with extra cloth?

The rest of my walk to the musolla went smoothly and I felt a little more confident with each step I took. I met a few people along the way but I averted my gaze so I cannot really gauge the reaction from them. In any case, I decided that it shouldn’t matter much anyway.

I would love to wear it again if I have the proper niqaab. Alhamdulillah, I am in the process of getting some soon inshallah. I like the feeling of being beneath the veil and not being stared by strange men. I do have a few reservations about wearing it full time because of opposition from family mainly and also other factors like wearing in the workforce in the future. I know that Allah gives rezqi but I am only 50-60% confident about where my direction would be if I wear it full time. Inshallah, time will tell for me.

It would definitely be against the norm of the society but we should remember that our lives revolve around the Qu’ran and sunnah and not the other way round. We do not compromise our beliefs and practises so that we can conform to everyone else.

May Allah make it easy for everyone on His path, Aameen!